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 LUST. Just typing the word gives me half a chubby.
Sadly, the new millennium has found this "sleaziest of sins" to be in serious decline. Believe it or not, the average 18-34 year-old man is 38% less lusty than he was only ten years ago*. The unlikely culprit? Porn. In their noble effort to keep selling their wares, pornographers have increasingly tried to break taboos—from anal sex, to double penetration, to something involving the nasal passages.
Now while there is nothing inherently wrong with nose-fucking, it becomes increasingly apparent that the "gonzo" porn of today is less about LUST, and more about humiliation. Call me old-fashioned, but I simply do not LUST for a semen-drenched woman performing analingus on a musk ox. Instead, I feel LUST when my incredibly hot co-worker's cleavage brushes up against me in the elevator, or when I watch the opening of Lost in Translation and see Scarlett Johansson in those pink panties. The basic distinction is that I truly want to fuck both Scarlett Johansson and my incredibly hot co-worker, but I'm decidedly less interested in fucking a cum-soaked musk ox-rimming junky.
"Hermaphroditic Conjoined Triplets Sodomizing Schnauzers"
The obvious first step in restoring LUST to its former luster, is to wean ourselves off of today's low-lust porn and revert to the high-lust porn of yore. I'm sure I'm not alone in Googling the phrase above compulsively throughout the day in search of the latest streaming video (ladies, I'm talking to you too!), but with a little self-discipline and a convenient case of carpal-tunnel, I've found it possible to drop one or even two of the keywords. While "conjoined triplets sodomizing schnauzers" or simply "triplets sodomizing schnauzers" may seem tame at first, it's entirely possible that you'll eventually get used to it and be 3.8%-4.3% lustier for the effort!
Sasquatch is Sexy
What happened to body hair? Remember the Eighties when Tom Selleck's shag-rug of a chest made the girls swoon and Brooke Shield's eyebrows covered 90% of her forehead? Go back another decade, and there's the original Joy of Sex--a book so hairy you need an Epilady just to read it. Hell, remember when Elliott Gould was a sex symbol? (Well, I don't, but he was.)
These days you can't hike up a skirt in Hollywood without finding a thoroughly waxed asshole. Is it just me, or does trying to depilate one's genitalia to a pre-pubescent state seem a tad… pedophilia-esque?
I say we stop with the plucking and get back to the fucking. We're all descended from monkeys; it's time we started to look the part. Let those eyebrows unify. Let that chest re-Hasselhoff. Give that antiperspirant something to clump on to…
And remember, ladies, nothings says "Go!" like a 'fro down below.
Exercises
Men—Next Casual Friday, try wearing lederhosen to work.
Women—Next Casual Friday, attempt not to laugh at male coworkers wearing lederhosen.
*Yale Journal of Wildly Unsubstantiated Claims, Spring, 2006
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