terminal
alienation

It can happen in an instant.  You accidentally nod to a co-worker, let a classmate sit down at your otherwise empty table in the cafeteria, or neglect to shiv your new cellmate.  All of a sudden, you have a friend.  And once made, friendships can last a lifetime--violating your precious alone time with frivolous phone calls, destroying your weekend solitude with "plans," and worst of all, ruining your chances to drink alone.

If you're anything like me, the crawl space under your house is already packed chock-a-block with the rotting corpses of former friends and family members you've had to put down "Kentucky Derby-style."  Sure you could start using the attic, but with America in the midst of an obesity epidemic, do you really want to lug all those super-sized carcasses up the stairs?

There's got to be a better way.  And, in fact, there is.

Like most other problems in life, friendship can be easily cured by following a basic twelve step plan.  After performing no research whatsoever, I've come to personally endorse the plan below.  Why?  Because I'll pretty much endorse anything.

1)  Learn to make flatulent noises with your armpit.

2)  Keep a wedge of limburger in the hood of your sweatshirt so that people think you just naturally smell like cheese.

3)  Affect a subtle French accent.

4)  Refer to your friend's home town as "America's Asshole"--no matter which country he's actually from.

5)  Bring along extra wedges of limburger to hide in your friend's home and car.  You want that smell to linger.

6)  Use your "fingers" to indicate quotation "marks" around every "noun" you say.

7)  If you happen to burp, immediately follow it with a loudly exclaimed "Oops!  Mouth fart!"

8)  Setup an intervention for a problem your friend doesn't actually have, such as bulimia, or better yet, necrophilia.

9)  Why high-five when you can throw a kidney punch?

10) If it's yellow let it mellow, if it's brown leave it floating in the bowl... with a little added limburger.

11) When in doubt, do an Austin Powers imitation.  "Yeeeaahhh!!!  Baby!!!"  That never gets old.

12) Grow a Hitler mustache.

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#13
written by nonlineargirl, March 12, 2007

Ask to borrow the pen your friend is using. Use the point to clean between your teeth. If you haven't eaten recently, substitute with a good pen-as-qtip ear cleaning. Hand the pen back to your friend.

Sheikh
written by Omar Al-Azriyah, March 12, 2007

I find that when I provide my friends with copies of "How to Drink Alone," or simply paste the URL in large letters on their computer screens, they often take the hint.

Fishy
written by Burger Deluxe, March 12, 2007

Personally, I'd substitute limburger with tuna fish. I can tell you for a fact that everyone I work with HATES it when I eat tuna in the office. And I once left a bowl of tuna under someone's bed (next the radiator) and it smelled ridonkulously bad for about a month (but then mysteriously mellowed???).

My main approach for winnowing down friends was to adopt a no-tolerance policy of not doing ANYTHING that I didn't want to do and not make up any white lies to cover for it. Do I want to go see a movie with you?--No I'd rather stay home and watch TV by myself. You're having a party--sorry I really hate your friends. Seriously, people can't seem to handle the honesty.

if you want something done with cruelty, ask the nicest person you know
written by headwaste, March 12, 2007

in my opinion, there is only one way to permanently lose a "friend" -- those loathsome fleshy parasites of wasted breath, those crusty-brained barnacle mouth-breathers that weep at you with jellied eyes begging for scraps of approval.

you have to hate them. hate them so much that you spend nights awake, sweating, churning, wondering how you can commit homicide without being caught. you have to be so filled with rage at your own weakness -- your powerless capitulation to their mewling -- that the object of your hate becomes the central focus of all violent fantasy.

and then you don't say anything. weeks, months, years go by and you just boil with unexpressed rage. you learn to hate them more because they don't know how much you hate them.

until, one glorious day, with the full force of your venomous spirit, annealed down to it's most black and bitter state, you visit upon that unsuspecting worm a lifetime of bile and resentment. You gloat, ecstatic, as their face melts with fear and shame and they run from you -- confused, wounded, betrayed. their pain becomes your salvation.

it really, really works.

It's about you...
written by Tinsley Mortimer, March 13, 2007

For me there are only two, decidedly uninteresting ways to go: my preference is to actively ignore the person until they stop calling and dodge eye contact anytime you notice them. And if that doesn’t work, a simple, “I never liked you. You’re just not a very good person. You’re not even that interesting. Please never call me again,” clears things right up. If the accusations start flying, dodge them with a simple, “This isn’t about me. It’s about you.”

site ekle
written by site ekle, September 04, 2007

very interesting

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