terminal
alienation

It can happen in an instant.  You accidentally nod to a co-worker, let a classmate sit down at your otherwise empty table in the cafeteria, or neglect to shiv your new cellmate.  All of a sudden, you have a friend.  And once made, friendships can last a lifetime--violating your precious alone time with frivolous phone calls, destroying your weekend solitude with "plans," and worst of all, ruining your chances to drink alone.

LUST.  Just typing the word gives me half a chubby.

Sadly, the new millennium has found this "sleaziest of sins" to be in serious decline.  Believe it or not, the average 18-34 year-old man is 38% less lusty than he was only ten years ago*.  The unlikely culprit?  Porn.  In their noble effort to keep selling their wares,  pornographers have increasingly tried to break taboos—from anal sex, to double penetration, to something involving the nasal passages.

Now while there is nothing inherently wrong with nose-fucking, it becomes increasingly apparent that the "gonzo" porn of today is less about LUST, and more about humiliation.  Call me old-fashioned, but I simply do not LUST for a semen-drenched woman performing analingus on a musk ox.  Instead, I feel LUST when my incredibly hot co-worker's cleavage  brushes up against me in the elevator, or when I watch the opening of Lost in Translation and see Scarlett Johansson in those pink panties.  The basic distinction is that I truly want to fuck both Scarlett Johansson and my incredibly hot co-worker, but I'm decidedly less interested in fucking a cum-soaked musk ox-rimming junky.
 

(Please see Legal, if you haven't already.) 

People are always asking me, "Blade, I've recently come to loathe humanity, how can I learn to drink alone?"  Well, fortunately, drinking alone (or "liver punching" as us Oregonians call it) is an easily acquired skill with the potential to profoundly enrich your life.